This is Where I Would Drink

I got news about my job today that really upsets me.  I still have a job but the changes are going to totally change almost everything about how I’m living right now.  I can’t stop crying.  Two months ago to get rid of this feeling and stop thinking about this I would drink, right now, at 10:05 am on a Tuesday.  I was walking around my house crying, trying to figure out what to do, I can’t drink, I don’t want to stuff it with food, I don’t want to wallow but I don’t want this to happen.

wtf picard

I don’t want someone else changing my life, someone who doesn’t really know me just decides what’s going to happen to me and I have NO input whatsoever.  What the FUCK!!bs taystee






Luckily I work from home so when I was talking to my boss on the phone he couldn’t see me crying but he definitely knew.  It’s not his fault, but I’m sure he had something to do with choosing who it happens to.

I just want to say to all of them… lip eff you






Today is sober day 36




Just Breathe

I got so angry and frustrated this morning I had to play an “emergency calm” meditation session to get myself under control before I started pounding on stuff.

The boy (B) is 9 and he frustrates me to no end.  He’s lived with me on and off since he was born and he’s always been a challenge.  When he was a baby he just cried and cried, it was so frustrating.  The doctor told his mother that he might be allergic to milk so she cut dairy out of her diet then stopped nursing altogether and tried a special formula.  Finally he grew out of the CONSTANT  crying and graduated to absolute stubborn defiance.

Granted B’s been through a lot, he lived a while with his mother while she was using heroin and other drugs, while she used all of her money and food stamps to buy drugs so her electricity was turned off and he had to go stay with her boyfriend’s father for a few weeks.  At that time I was attempting tough love – not rescuing her and all that bs that the experts say you have to do but does nothing if the addict doesn’t want to change.   She’s left him so many times I lost count and God only knows what happened to him at her hand or others while she was in the throes of addiction.  He’s been interviewed by an interventionist to determine if he was sexually abused and they said that he wasn’t (one less thing to worry about).  He was in talk therapy for 3 years (1/3 of his life!) and he did get better but he’s still a challenge.

At the end of my rope I bought a book, “How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk”.  When did talking to kids get so complicated?  I talk to him the way parents have always talked to kids.  Have you watched reruns of “The Waltons” lately?  It’s on every day here and I’m regularly surprised by the differences in the way parents on tv today talk to kids and the way they did then – I don’t know if it was the ’70s when the show was produced or the ’40s which was the time period portrayed.  There’s no pussy-footing around, no coddling or talking in the way that is expressed as an acknowledgement or validation of their feelings.  Basically, do what I say or I’m gonna smack you upside the head.  So, I’ve been doing everything wrong and I have to change my whole way of thinking.  I can see how the method works and I don’t disagree with the book but it is not easy, which is what I really was dealing with this morning.  All I wanted to do was yell at him to get moving and yell at him because he didn’t do his homework and yell at him because he didn’t clean up after his breakfast and the cats were on the table drinking the milk out of his cereal bowl and he didn’t put anything away and when I’m telling him to please hurry or he’s going to be late he just stands there and moves SLOWER.  Gaaahhhhh  what the FUCK!  I just want to kill you now.

And my first thoughts after he left for school?  Fuck I want a drink or a Xanax (I do love some Xanax) – yeah, it’s 8:15 am and the Xanax is only for when I have to go to the dentist.  Emergency calm to the rescue.  It’s is seriously difficult to calm down in that state, I couldn’t focus on the meditation for the first 5 minutes and had to play another meditation after the Emergency one to really get myself to a decent place.

calm app

I pay $60 a year for the Calm app and it is worth EVERY cent!  EVERY CENT!  I recommend it to anyone who’s having issues with patience, frustration, anger, sleeping, etc.  I listen to a sleep meditation every night in bed and I fall asleep so easily and calmly, it’s freaking amazing.

Now I that I meditated and got my words out in black and white I feel better and I don’t want to drug myself any longer.

I am so grateful for this outlet, I used to vent on Facebook and it was so stupid because it would be one of those cryptic anger messages that everyone thinks is a cry for attention.  In my case it wasn’t I just needed to vent but I just didn’t like the idea that I was doing it for attention so I stopped.   Here, I don’t give a flying shit if anyone reads my long rants, I’m doing this because it makes me feel better and no one knows who I am.