Analysis Paralysis

According to wikipedia: when the fear of potential error outweighs the realistic expectation or potential value of success, and this imbalance results in suppressed decision-making in an unconscious effort to preserve existing options.

Today was the second time in a little over a week I’ve heard Rich Roll reference this phrase.  The first time I heard it I knew it was me.  I tend to buy stuff to get rolling on a new project or lifestyle or event but then end up doing basically nothing else until the idea fades away and I’m left with a lot of stuff.

I can apply this to drinking as well, I have purchased a plethora of e-books and audiobooks and I’ve borrowed some as well.  I’ve even considered taking Annie Grace’s Intensive program which costs $900, or Craig Beck’s program that runs between $500 and $5000 (no! I have drawn that line), joining Cafe RE for like $15 a month and I know there are others I’ve considered but decided against it.  I’m still stuck, I still fight it almost every day and sometimes I just give in because it’s easier I guess, and apparently I’m still fooled into thinking that it offers me something.  I have a whole lot of knowledge, the big test is applying it.  I’m still working on it and that’s a positive.

Today’s Rich Roll podcast featured Josh LaJaunie who lost over 200 pounds by basically changing his life completely.  A self-proclaimed bayou boy, he grew up in a culture of fried food, fishing, hunting, drinking and football.  He says changing his lifestyle was difficult because it flew in the face of his heritage, it’s an insult not to eat the uncle’s delicious fried fish.

So much about him is an inspiration, not just because he lost so much weight and became an athlete (marathon and ultra-marathon runner, winning one ultra) but the theories behind the change.  There were a bunch of idioms to describe the purposeful changing of habits or how the growth mindset works.  Majoring in the minors, where you worry about all the tiny minute details like arsenic in your rice or glyphosate in your oats but you ate fried chicken or pizza last night.  Annie Grace has a great analogy about that as well; it’s like worrying about the chemicals that might possibly leach from the bottle that holds your water while sitting at a bar drinking what Craig Beck calls “attractively packaged poison”.  I think that’s what people (I) use in the analysis paralysis,… “well I can’t do that cause I can’t get past this tiny, little thing”, instead of worrying about perfection let’s try some progress!

It’s about doing something on purpose that’s different because we want different outcomes and we understand we have the power to manifest those.  -Josh LaJaunie

It’s a growth mindset. Identify the low-hanging fruit, just stop eating pizza right now, it’s about the purposeful habit change, love yourself enough to perpetually creep forward.

Consistency over intensity, don’t let one or several setbacks totally derail the progress you’ve made.  It’s much easier to get back to where you were when you’ve adopted the growth mindset, don’t shame yourself, look forward, what’s the next best thing, don’t allow the momentum to lose it’s acceleration.

All of these ideas can be applied to just about anything you want to achieve.  I need to remember that.

For more inspiration listen to the Rich Roll podcast.

rich roll josh lajaunie

Link to Josh LaJaunie’s interview.

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And then three days later

Just 3 days after I wrote this post about having 24 days AF and how I don’t want to drink and I don’t want to have to start over, I did just that.  It was Friday and I’m pretty sure it was because of date night and the magic powder, whatever excuse I use, I used. What the fuck!  I just lost everything I wrote.  Fuck off WP

Not Fitting In

It’s Halloween and at work everyone is dressed up – the theme is witches/warlocks/wizards.  I made a decision long ago that I wasn’t going to dress up anymore because it ends up costing so much money and everything I buy I never use again.  This year money is tight; that magic dust is expensive, I know we shouldn’t but we do so that money is gone in 2 days.  Anyway I digress.  Money is especially tight right now so there was no way I was wasting money on a costume, I have much better things to waste money on (I waste a lot of money – over $600 a month on pets alone!  WHAT?! – yes, it’s ridiculous).  Anyway, there I go again.  ugh!  So, by making this decision I set myself up for feeling awful all day.  I never feel like I fit in to begin with, so anything I do to participate feels fake and then I just feel stupid.  So, if I had dressed up I would feel like a fake and probably wouldn’t feel any better than I do right now.  I feel not good enough, not enough, like I need to disappear because I’m just so uncomfortable AND because I didn’t dress up I actually stick out in the crowd.  My friend tells me I tend to make things a lot more difficult than they need to be to either make a point or because I don’t want to participate, I don’t like forced fun.  And I feel like I can’t win inside my own head, I feel like I won’t fit in if I participate and I absolutely don’t fit in if I don’t participate.

What happened to me that I always feel like this?

It’s so much easier to continue than it ever is to start over

Day 24

Reading people’s cries for help in Facebook groups it is so apparent that when one falls back into using it’s extremely difficult to stop digging and crawl out of the hole.  Obviously I know this from my own experience as well; I did very well early this year, managed over 50 days alcohol free.  Since then I got 30 days once, recently it was 8 days, drank one night and starting over I’m now at day 24.

And so determined.

I’m listening to every podcast I can or listening to TNM on audiobook and joining Facebook groups and reading books…. anything I can get may hands on.  I don’t want to struggle with starting over again.  I want to do the TNM Intensive but it costs almost $900 – no way I can afford that right now.  Annie Grace states this is the last time for the program until February.  I figure if I’m struggling in February I’ll pay and do the program.

I’m sleeping now, like a freaking rock most of the night, it’s such a relief, it sucks to wake up every hour knowing I have to get up at 6:00 am.  I don’t know if it’s the Calm Specifics for Sleep or the CBD oil or a combination of both but I’m afraid to stop either of them at this point.

I’m starting to feel better slowly, not as exhausted all day (exhausted in the early morning and evening after dinner though).  Memory is still shit.  Motivation is still shit.  But I’m grateful that I’ve not drank for 24 days.

My theme phrase at the moment is from The Walking Dead  jss

When the Universe Just Won’t Give You a Break

I’ve been trying my hardest to be more grateful.  I’m listening to gratitude meditations, I’m making lists of things I’m grateful for in my head every time I think of it.  I have a gratitude stone I try to remember to carry with me (this is new so I forget).  What you put out there comes back 10 fold or so “they” say.

Then why the fuck is everything breaking, why the fuck am I having to spend money I can’t afford on something else every week?  And I’m not talking about a hundred bucks, I’m talking about $900 for the vet, then $150 for the AC, then $2300 for a garage door, then $500 for the AC again, bs buttonand now the fucking car won’t start, and I didn’t even mention the leaking roof in the garage that we can’t afford to fix.  Why won’t the fucking universe give me a fucking break?  I’m trying here.  I’m 11 days alcohol free, and I was 9 days alcohol free before my ONE NIGHT lapse.  I’m doing my best and I’m getting shit and I just need to get this out because it’s going to eat me up.

I listened to 2 guided meditations on anger and it just made me cry.  Basically anger is based on an underlying fear.  So the task at hand was to figure out what that fear is and deal with it.  Well how does one deal with the fear of draining every cent of savings or getting back into the debt that we spent 5 years clawing out of.  So that’s why I cried, we have worked hard and I’ve been struggling my entire life and I don’t want to keep struggling until I die.  I AM grateful for what I have but does that mean I can’t reach for a dream?  That I’m not allowed to want to get the fuck out of this damn tiny house, to want my own bathroom and some fucking land?  We work, we take on so much and we’ve raised our two kids and then taken in 2 kids that we never wanted to take care of and we foster kittens and adopt homeless dogs and cats.  I’ve had the same car for 12 years and that’s not even the one that won’t start, it’s J’s fucking 3 year old car, the one he got when he traded in his 14 year old car.  I just want a fucking break, that’s all.

 

Not Good Enough

Until recently I never thought of myself as being not good enough.  I guess my broken mind didn’t put my actions together with my subconscious thoughts.  I’ve read or heard a lot about women feeling like they’re not good enough and that being the reason they anesthetize themselves with mind altering substances.  Liquid courage elbows out “not good enough” or maybe it’s that substances are louder than one’s inner voice; the one that tells me I shouldn’t talk because what I have to say isn’t important or when I do talk to be embarrassed by what I’ve said because I’ve offended someone or I feel stupid having said something at all.  The inner voice that tells me I can’t get up in a crowded plane or stadium/ballpark or school auditorium or anywhere there are other people because I take up too much space and I don’t want people looking at me.  I don’t want to be seen at all.  How did I miss that connection?  I’m shy, I’m introverted, I’m quiet (until I’m drinking then I’m too loud), I thought not wanting to be seen or heard was just part of my personality but I don’t think that’s it.

I’m not good enough to be seen or heard.

I have to say this is an epiphany for sure.  And now I feel stupid because I didn’t realize it before.  Was it the alcohol clouding my brain?

Why do I feel this way?  Oh, well yesterday I read this article on obesity and how prejudiced we are about fat people, even fat people think badly about fat people.  Is that it?  Have I hated myself long enough for being fat that I’ve convinced myself that because I’m fat I’m not good enough?  Fat shaming myself!  And alcohol numbs that doesn’t it?  Alcohol makes me less inhibited, alcohol is louder than my inner voice.  So, to combat my feeling of not being good enough I drink to drown it out.

And then it backfires because the next day that voice comes back with a vengeance, now telling me I’m not only not good enough but I’m shameful, GoT ShameI’m an awful person, look how stupid I act, what stupid things I say, how difficult I am.  I’m angry and I start fights about nothing and I cry (not just cry but howl! – so fucking ridiculous – I just want to hide every time I think about it).  I’ve just reinforced what I drank to forget.

 

I really think I’m on to something here keep calm and I don’t know what to do with it.  How do I fix it?  I know I can’t drink anymore.  I’m committed to 30 days, actually I’m committed to 100 days, I’m committed to however long it takes until it’s just who I am.  I am a non-drinker.  Bottom line.

Day 6 and I won’t drink today!